Koinonia Protocols: Part I
Chapters I, II, III
I.
As I laid in bed, I could hear the rhythm of rain beating down atop the roof, its tempo crushed, pushed by gravity. The frost soaked the thin panes of glass atop the windows and crept more and more over the only source of nature light from the ceiling. Each day now have been gradually brighter lights and whiter walls and white ceilings. My fingers and toes had a numbness that even triple ply sheets couldn’t warm, an hour had passed as I stared in silence for a while, watching the ceiling get brighter until it is finally the day. A quick thought passes by, “living gets easier to do when you have nothing left to live for,” but at the same time when you’ve lost your place in your own world I try to whisper back as I listened to the rain drops falling on the head of ventilation tubes above my head and nod back to sleep. Their metal witch hats slowly dripping onto the corrugated iron roof. The rusted roof of the building which was a few decades old now held, for now, ice hitting the windows in a greater force than before, my eyes looking at the sliding beads on glass as it melted from the warm inside. My mind wandered from place to place, between memories, my eyes darting amongst the things I was comfortable with inside hell and the glimpses of the life I wanted and the friends I have, and that I just have to start again. What I could see from the small gaps silently slipped between the gaps of memories, and I now dreading the thought of having to pull myself out of these feelings again. Pushed harder, finding motivation when you’re not sure what direction is the right direction to take in life, but there was calling, in some ways I didn’t care if I died anymore but I felt powerless walking alone up a stairwell to heaven or hell.
The bathroom was cold and aged, ceramic and grout filled the cracks that could hold water this place felt as if the life had been slowly sucked out of it over the years. The owners hadn’t bothered to keep up. Forgetting the old world, their parents and how things ‘ought to be. This room felt as if life has moved on from here, yet I am still here, and in that moment I just grabbed myself to try to hug what was there.
Over the years everything around has become different, nicer, ready for the new people buying the parts of the city that were renovated and “fixed” this place is different.That’s life my mother and father would say, but the life I wanted was different, so once again rain on my parade. I’m not trying to get emotional in that way, but things have changed. This is the city. But, this was the culmination of experiences that made me grow up. Here I’ve become an adult, and despite this place becoming colder than ever before from the world and I more weary of it.
As relative as the term “adult” is, I just feel older, I am awake now, I see the patterned and then again the things that I used to do don’t feel the same. I mean I’d like to think I’m still that same kid inside, the same person that’s family is from San Gabriel, but I’ve seen more than I’ve wanted to, and I just don’t think age makes you into an adult.
My eyes met the mirror that housed my reflection each section of my face different now and slimmer, even my face doesn’t feel the same, I tried to smile. My teeth met with a metal grin. My hair blacker now I have changed my stack, switching between what I want to see and what I admire.
It’s my last year in university, and I don’t know what I am going to do now. It doesn’t feel like I have as many options anymore. The War is raging full force. My parents are gone. You’re gone. I’m just supposed to get an actual “job” some “career” I can “live” off of, even though I am making enough doing what I do now. Yet, I can’t but feel incredibly upset about it all, while I hate the use of the word something within me is deeply unsatisfied, yet life has continued.
When people ask me what I’ve got planned I just give them a list of things that I might want to do, but maybe not what I am going to do. Somethings I am definitely going to do that I just won’t say. That’s why I am here, in some sense, things have been changing because of me, and I am beyond adolescence. I know what’s been going on in the world, I have for a long time now yet now I am participating in all of these actors games, and I feel like I just don’t have enough resources to do anything besides watch what happens.
The planet is dying, we have lost all clarity as to what we should be doing for the future, and my favorite show was canceled. Many people are deciding to sign contracts and go off world.I’ve been getting headaches randomly lately, they feel like a punch in the face, but what comes after is usually so much worse. It’s like floored my body tenses up so much that I can barely breathe let alone move.
Things get blurry and I wrapped my fingers around the sides of the sink as my toothbrush sat on the corner. I stared at the synthetic bristles sticking out of the carved bamboo body. I felt my body get limp as I tried to reconnect the neurons and force myself back here. I thought about teeth for a while, and I picked up the brush to wash my own. It was fascinating how many new sets of teeth have manage to find their way to Earth. Different species, mutated organisms, parasites, beings totally alien even by earthling standards have found a new life here. Green tea tooth paste is my favorite, and it makes it easier to repeat the process.
